Alison Armstrong is a best-selling author, sought after speaker and a master thought leader. She's the founder of PAX Programs, a mission driven company passionate about transforming the way men and women relate to themselves and each other and the ultimate source for understanding men and women. Alison distinguishes human instincts that compel both men and women to behave in ways that contradict and undermine our own purposes, goals, values, needs and relationships. She offers partnership-based alternatives for more fulfilling lives, loving relationships, stronger families and productive organizations. Alison's philosophy and approach is frequently referenced and taught by other authors, speakers, business consultants and therapists. Alison is best known for the Understanding Men online course, The Queen's Code top selling book and In Sync with the Opposite Sex audio program. In this episode, Alison offers advice to people considering dating or marriage. She will also share some of the mindset tools and techniques that she has been applying in her life.
- How Not to Be A Frog Farmer
Many women have wondered why men are wonderful in the beginning, but after a few weeks or months, they turn into sports-watching, pizza-eating, beer-belching couch slugs. Alison had the opinion of men as con artists and if she poked them just the right way, if she could antagonize them just the right way, and she would reveal the con before she was suckered again. In February of 1991, Alison realized that she was a frog farmer. Since then she has learned a lot about men and is still fascinated by them.
Women need to avoid viewing men as insensitive, inconsiderate, dishonorable and unaccountable. Men are not any of these things, they just express who they are and what they are in such a different way. Women should avoid interpreting what men do through what that would mean if a woman did it.
2. Dispelling the Myth of Single Statistics
Men and women have found each other and bound each other literally to survive. There's an instinctive drive in women that can also exist in the domain that we call human spirit. However, the question is, I am I better off with them or am I better off without them? This is a fundamental and legitimate question. Men and women need each other. In the past, men needed women for their sex drive and to be nurtured and nourished. On the other hand, women needed men for physical protection, for economic security. This is what drove marriages for a really long time and had people stay in unfulfilling marriages. Nowadays, most people are unmarried. This is a sign of women's economic ability and economic independence. Therefore, most women believe that they are better off without men, which is not a bad thing as the statistics may suggest.
3. How to Identify an Ideal Candidate
First and foremost, before you think of dating, you should get clear with yourself on what the qualities a man or woman should have that would make you be better off with that person than without them. What is it they would want to give, they would want to contribute or they would want to provide? What are their gifts that they're just dying for somebody to value and receive? Alison has realized that the longer we live, we keep distinguishing and refining what matters.
4. Why Identifying Your Special Gifts is Key
When you fly the flag of the truth for yourself, then the people for whom you're not a fit are going to stay away. They won't ask you out or keep trying to spend time with you. They're not going to take your time. People usually think that if they don’t tell the people they're dating what really matters until they think they like them, then they will eventually go along with it. The whole time we're not saying what really matters. There is an inauthenticity. Authenticity is the third most attractive quality in a women. So you're actually making yourself less lovable by not telling the truth about yourself.
5. How to "Get" Him
After you figure out what qualities you need, you should then go out with a set of black and white questions. You may want a person who is dependable, honest, considerate or responsible. Alison recommends talking with a potential date for a long period of time before the actual date. In fact, if they're unwilling to do that, don’t go out with them because if they really were charmed and enchanted by you, they would be willing to do that. If they're unwilling to talk to you, they just want to be in your physical presence as quickly as possible. It doesn’t necessarily mean they're a bad person. It just means that the way they're attraction to you is insufficient for the kind of relationship you want to achieve.
When you're interacting with them, whether it's reading their profile or talking to them, you need to ask yourself, does this man have my desired qualities or not. Is he generous or not? Is he honest or not? Is he kind or not? Is he considerate or not? Then you need to mash it up a bit with “How"? If the question is, is this man generous, then you should ask, how is this man generous? Your mind will look at how he was kind to the waiter or how he keeps noticing that you didn’t finish what you were saying. Your mind will look at how he's speaking to his employees. When you're listening to someone this way, really curious about them and stretching to see them, not just looking to judge them, the effect on the person is profound. They'll be like, "Oh my gosh, you really see me. Oh my gosh, you're really here."
6. Stating Deal Breakers Up Front
Alison feels that this is why it's important for people to figure out what their deal breakers are. Deal breakers by what you can't live with and what you can't live without. Your deal breakers should be in your online profile but you also have to assume that they were not read and they were not abided by. If you have a real representation of yourself up there, then the chances that they're picking you for you goes up. Then in the first conversation, before you even get together with them, just ask them some questions from your profile.
7. Quick Fix to Tap into Femininity
Being committed to a specific result or intention or a destination puts us in hunting mode. This energy is good for getting stuff done but it's not good for dating. Instead, women need to be open. To be open to options, possibilities and alternatives. This is what is known as the gathering mode. If a woman is in hunting mode, she is going to behave in particular ways and have a particular energy about her that mostly will attract men who want to be taken care of. On a date, it's important to shift to gathering mode which makes you open to who the person is. So you have to let go off any goals you have for that date. The point of each date is to practice being yourself. If you practice being yourself, then every date will have served you no matter how it turns out with that person.
8. Wait for the Well
Waiting for the well is counter instinctual to what women normally do, however it is very simple. When you ask a question, just wait for the answer and literally count to 30 in your head. Don’t be tapping your foot or being impatient. Let him go and hunt down the answer for you because he feels committed do so.When he comes back and gives you an answer, wait another 30 seconds and literally keep doing that until he says, "That's all I have to say about that," and most women have never heard those words. So if you want to create more intimacy, to be more informed, to feel more included, to connect with this person, waiting for the well is one of the most important things you can do.
9. The Sedona Method
One important technique Alison does is the Sedona Method. This method is about releasing. An interesting fact about dolphins is the basis of this method. Dolphins shed their skin 12 times in 24 hours. So if they get cut or marked, you can't tell within a few days. Alison wanted to be like a dolphin, in that she couldn’t be recognized by her scars or her wounds or her limiting beliefs. She was going to shed all this off. Alison therefore uses the Sedona method for this.
The Queen's Code - Alison Armstrong
Making Sense of Men - Alison Armstrong
The Sedona Method - Hale Dwoskin
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